Well I did it, I completed the PENTALOGY (I had to look that word up, don't pretend like you already knew it) of Twilight films and let me tell you, I regret most of it. I would probably be fine with a one hour condensed recap, there seriously was only that amount of stuff in all five of these things I am sure. BUT ALAS I AM NOT HOLLYWOOD. Can you imagine if I was! It would go like this: "Hey more Mark Duplass and John Hawkes in everything, you morons. Also stop doing unnecessary remakes and also stop making things so LOUD, it hurts my ears in cinemas." What a good President of Hollywood I would make. Anyway here are my notes from watching this final piece of Twilight Saga. I had to do it in two sittings, 8 days apart. And Tristan, I am ready to discuss this monstrosity with you!
We begin with the lengthiest fucking opening credits EVER GOOD LORD.
Oooh someone went to film school
Clumsy dialogue: Drink! Someone says "I love you": Drink! Forest running!!! Drink!
Aghhh CGI baby why??
ACTING! Shit I am glad I am not actually playing a drinking game I would be fucked.
Hoooly shit that is a lot of lamps in one room.
*phone rings* everyone looks TERRIFIED it is just a phone you guys cool it
I am finding this plot very hard to follow
Woah woah Jacob since when do you have to take off all your clothes to animorph? This is creepy, way to make Moustache-Dad™ super uncomfortable.
Bella is a jerk.
I know this is probably not an uncommon thought but seriously who is responsible for this film being made?
HAHA A MAGICIAN VAMPIRE who knew it could get worse!
Yay a vampire that talks like a vampire! Finally!
BUNK MORELAND WHAAAAT
Gigantic wolves: Still hilarious
Ok I have no idea what this film is actually about. My understanding is that vampires are apparently not allowed to procreate and so they are in trouble from the meaner vampires and Dakota Fanning?
Ooh here comes what I am sure will be the most ridiculous fight of all time
Haha the insisting of ripping heads off is quite funny
Oh the fight was all a dream GIMME A BREAK if you are going to do that you are meant to kill off the main jerks so it means something.
Can the kid not speak? Is that a thing? Is that what the face touching is about? I don't think I have paid attention enough at some point.
So what happens when she grows up and hooks up with the werewolf, how messed up are THOSE kids gonna be? Can't wait for that eleven part sequel saga.
Oh good a montage to remember the three fucking things that happened over these ten film hours. And they forgot to recap the million chess games! Guys! You forgot about all that chess!
The end. FOREVER. FOREVERRRRRR we can hope. Unless you get some tattoos.
